It was bad enough when the History channel went to things like “Pawn Stars” (History, 8 p.m.) to fulfill its mission. Now it’s going away from historical accuracy altogether with its presentation of a bloated miniseries based on “The Bible” (History, 8 and 9 p.m.) from Mark Burnett.
Actually, the retelling would have worked better in the manner of Burnett’s reality shows, with Jeff Probst on the deck of Noah’s ark, telling of its survivors. But instead it’s a elderly (but hardly 600 year old, as the Bible Says) Noah on his ark, giraffes walking about freely, talking in an Irish brogue about the beginnings of the Earth, from a creator who was now drowning everything on it.
“The Bible,” with its international cast has the feel of old, B-movie TV epics. The intent is to rival “The Ten Commandments” but even with the improvements of special effects over the year, there is still something to be said about clear direction — Charlton Heston’s crossing of the Red Sea was more understandable than the effects mess in this film. I couldn’t bear watching 10 hours.
It runs tonight alongside “The Vikings” (History, 10 p.m.) which you might mistake for a missing book of the Bible of you’re not paying attention. The same dark pallette and penchant for fighting, ancient clothes and crowd mayhem. There isn’t much known about the Viking days either, so a lot of this series is also made up. Tavis Fimmel stars as a Viking that wants to go his own way and find a new land, acting like a club leader on “Sons of Anarchy” except on a boat.
Gabriel Byrne has the role as the Vikings leader, rubbing his brow like he’s still the analyst “In Treatment.” It’s mostly another excuse for dreary swordplay and hints at sex along the lines of the inert “Spartacus.” Go find your history elsewhere.
It’s an oxymoron to call the new season of “Celebrity Apprentice” (NBC, 9 p.m.) “all star.” Weren’t they supposed to be all stars when they were first cast? Of course, some were not. The new seasons is filled with people who played before and still don’t have anything going in their careers. So that includes Gary Busey, Lisa Renna, LaToya Jackson (hilariously referred to as “an entertainment icon”), and Bret Michaels, who already won his season.
Nobody wants to work for Trump of course, they all want to raise money for their charities. So the game has changed such that their tasks — make a meatball restaurant in the premiere — is closed off to the public by one team so they can better serve the high-rollers who’d pay tens of thousands of dollars for the meatball and not have to worry about seeing riff-raff, or the 99 percent.
Most ex-winners who aren’t playing are back as advisers and in tonight’s episode Piers Morgan is as annoying as ever in grilling his former competitors, especially Omarosa, who is sneaky as ever. This show has run its course years ago, Trump should never be taken seriously, and even Busey can’t save it.
“Enlightenment” (HBO, 9:30 p.m.) closes its satisfying second season with a solid finale that would also work as a series finale. But you want to see more of these characters.
New episodes of “Girls” (HBO, 10 p.m.), “Shameless” (Showtime, 9 p.m.), “House of Lies” (Showtime, 10 p.m.) and “Californication” (Showtime, 10:30 p.m.) are on tonight as well.
Good episodes of “The Walking Dead” (AMC, 9 p.m.) and “The Good Wife” (CBS, 9 p.m.) are promised tonight.
The couch joke on “The Simpsons” (Fox, 8 p.m.) has them do the “Harlem Shake” of course.
The 31 Days of Oscar on Turner Classic Movies comes to a close with some final films from United Artists: “Annie Hall” (9 p.m.), “The Landlord” (10 p.m.), “Heaven’s Gate” (midnight) and “Equus” (3:45 a.m.).
Sunday Talk
ABC: National Economic Council Director Gene Sperling, Sen. Kelly Ayotte, Saratoga Springs, Utah, Mayor Mia Love, James Carville. CBS: Sens. Dick Durbin, John McCain and Lindsey Graham, Cardinal Timothy Dolan, Bob Woodward. NBC: Reps. John Boehner and Raul Labrador, Sperling. CNN: Sperling, Sen. Mitch McConnell, Reps. Steve Israel and Greg Walden, economist Mark Zandi. Fox: Mitt and Ann Romney, former Sen. Scott Brown.
steve harvey/ hart afraid of horses
quivazeine as new pope, torugh cnn
banes an noble