I already do not buy the central premise of “The Bachelor” — that people can find long-lasting love on a reality show. So why should I believe it when smarmy host Chris Harrison declares Jean Pablo Galavis, the inarticulate Venuzuelan former soccer player “generated more excitement from fans than anyone in the entire history of show.”
Unfortunately he didn’t generate much excitement for “Bachelorette” Desiree Hartsock, which is why he ended up seventh on that show. Still, he must have taken his shirt off enough and used that sultry accent to cause what Harrison calls “a sexy single dad” to become the new bachelor.
But it’s still a little unnerving in Monday’s premiere that he dismisses his first marriage so cavalierly: “Things just didn’t work out,” he shrugs.
And while he serves up all those little bromides that the producers feed him (on a journey, finding true love and all that) he may be the most tongue tied bachelor since Brad Womack. So the last bachelor, Sean Lowe, is enlisted to come in and give advice (don’t keep yourself from kissing as many girls as you want, he says, but just make sure the other girls don’t see you).
Finally the limos start pulling up, and Juan Pablo struggles in coming up with things to say other than hello or ask their names. He even eschews that old standby of asking where they are from. He doesn’t think to ask any of them what they do for a living. Maybe he doesn’t think any of them work.
Well, we got a peek at some of the contestants who apparently hang around long enough to warrant the footage, and some of them are nurses, some are school teachers, there are the usual medical sales reps (a virtual breeding ground for future Bachelor candidates) and a prosecutor.
One named Kelly, however, is identified as a “dog lover” and brings her dog (both are asked if they accept a rose; “we will,” Kelly answers).
Another, Lucy, is identified as a “free spirit” because she has flowers in her hair and is barefoot. She tells Juan Pablo she’s barefoot because “I didn’t want to be too tall,” but later changes her story saying “real hippies don’t wear shoes.” (When she gets her rose, she twirls in ecstasy).
Even so, there is a certain boring normalcy to most of the women — all beautiful and trim and a little dull. They never explain why they’re single.
Nobody does anything too nutty to stand out, except for the dog woman and a hairstylist from Sacramento named Clare comes out of a limo looking very pregnant and saying “What do you know about this?” Ha ha, it’s just a pillow and she’s joking.
Juan Pablo notes that she looks very good pregnant.
One woman seems a potential head case: Lauren H., an Oklahoma brunette who was dropped by her fiance six weeks into their engagement and is still fragile. She cries through most of her interviews.
Amy J. is a massage therapist who notes, “none of the men that i’ve dated has enjoyed massage.” This seems like a red flag. Nonetheless, she brings a massage table to the mansion which someone sets up by the pool. She tries a terrible massage on Juan Pablo while he still has his suit jacket on.
Like several other women, massager Amy J., signed up for the show specifically because it was Juan Pablo who they followed in summer’s season of “The Bachelorette.” “I want you to know I’m here for you, because it’s you,” she tells him.
Similarly, another woman tells him, “I wouldn’t be here if it was anyone else.”
A third, a redhead named Kylie, says “Oh my god, I’ve been dying to hug you. I can’t believe this is happening. I’m so excited!”
It’s like when they opened “Bachelor Pad” so that fans could join the returning players. There are just too many starstruck women who seem to have already fallen in love with a television image and can’t believe they actually get to meet him.
Seems an odd way to start a real relationship.
The one exception is the woman who also seems the most reluctant to be there. Indeed, this may be why she stood out also to Juan Pablo: The athlete is presented with a challenge and he is intrigued by it.
Charlene is a opera singer from Canada who flew over from Germany to take part. Juan Pablo is impressed by that. He also likes her dress — less clingy and glitzy than the other ones. He likes it so much he mentions it twice.
Still, Charlene is the pinnacle of truth and says to the camera, “I thought i’d feel more instant chemistry than I did. I guess I feel distraught because there’s been so much build up, and you kind of expect some sort of connection.” But she adds that it all “if I’m being totally honest, seems a little forced.”
This is exactly how I feel as well. Charlene may be one of the few to speak truth in the history of “The Bachelor.” But she says all this while Juan Pablo has gone off to get the single First Impression rose.
Out of the 27 women — 27 instead of 25 because of the demand of fans, Harrison says — Juan Pablo has chosen the most reluctant one for his first rose.
When he extends it to her, she says, “Seriously?”
And when he formally asks her to accept it, she actually stalls a few seconds before finally saying, “sure. yes.”
“I’m not going to lie,” Charlene admits later. “I’m incredibly flattered. But what matters to me is that I either feel something or I don’t — and it still a little early to say for me.”
Love this girl.
Then the rose ceremony comes and Juan Pablo claims how hard it is, but it looks like he’s having fun. He picks two blondes in a row first, then the single mom who looks like a good match, Renee, then the prosecutor Andi, and the women start to all blend together again.
Superfan Kylie doesn’t get through, though she bum rushes the roses when she thinks she hears her name. Also not getting through is the one woman who cried most of the night, Lauren H., who cries some more. “I’m sick and tired of people looking at me and feeling sorry for me,” she says. But now a nationwide audience does.
“The Bachelor” does just about the worst job of reality shows in spoiling future episodes or misleading audiences, so what Harrison calls “the exciting highlights of the upcoming season” are fraught with spoilers — we can see who is still around to enjoy the exotic locations, or to start freaking out and crying and fighting with others.
At one point there’s a girl locked in a restroom saying she wants to go home and exclaims, “Juan Pablo I hope you die.”
I have a good idea who that is.