A two week absence hasn’t made us grow fonder of “The Bachelorette.” With 11 guys left, they went to the South of France. The guys are still scarcely distinguishable, Andi Dorfman is exnjoying a little too much making out with all of them and little spats between the competing lunks are blown all out of proportion.
Still, she’s all inspired by Marsaille, what she calls “the epitome of romance and European charm.”
But when they guys get there, they’re hooting and hollering like any American jocks abroad, obnoxious on vacation.
Josh Murray, the failed minor leaguer, gets the first one-on-date, or as civilians like to call it, “regular date.” They’re off on a boat on the Mediterranean, then on the rocky shores of the Calanques, where being pooped upon by gulls is considered good luck (we learn in the outtakes during the credits) and Josh gets anointed twice.
Andi is a sucker for physical attraction – she clung to Juan Pablo for the whole season of “The Bachelor” till she realized, as if slapped out of a fever dream, that he was kind of a jerk.
She has that same physical reaction to Josh, and has been wary of him but attracted because of a past beau who was a wandering jock. She wants to find out more about him but he doesn’t have much to say. They make out more and she seems satisfied.
They are faced with a guy who sings a love ballad straight to them (but nobody seems to know who the performer is).
Back at the hotel, the guys don’t have anything to do but turn on one another, so J.J. O’Brien tells the African American, Marquel Martin, that he overheard Andrew Poole refer to the black contestants as “the blackies.”
Marquel can hardly believe it. And why should he? J.J. admits in the confessional Andrew could have been saying “black guys,” but lets Marquel believe the worst about him. Andrew has been the artificial punching bag all season, if only because every season needs one, and he doesn’t even have a clue why. Still, Marquel seems genuinely hurt that racism still exists, even on shows like “The Bachelorette.”
For the group date, the nine invited to a group date get an invitation that is blank. They puzzle over this, and maybe nobody ever figures out it’s because they’ll be spending the day learning the silent mime.
For Andi, who has never previously been to France, miming is a “unique aspect of French culture that can teach us a lot about communication.” It can also teach a viewer of the limited imagination of the “Bachelorette” producers. You almost expect there will be a baguette swordfight.
No, instead they are given striped shirts, black hats and suspenders and possibly just so not to abuse Marquel further – minus the usual whiteface makeup. They’re all terrible mimes, who bring no joy to a local crowd.
Nick Viall absolutely pouts because he hates group dates altogether.
Later at dinner, J.J sneaks Andi away for a private spin on the Ferris Wheel. But instead of using their time to get to know eachother better, or to confess to the lie he was spreading about Andrew (if he had said such a thing at a rose ceremony, don’t you think it would have been caught on camera?), he takes the time to just make out with her. She doesn’t complain.
Back among the guys, another spat breaks out. Cody Sattler complains that Nick has been acting above it all, and had made fun of Cody for saying he was lucky he was there. Cody, the muscle bound trainer, is not the guy you want mad at you, but Nick enrages him further by trying to be diplomatic.
Andi doesn’t like the ugly vibe in the room and the Iowa farmer Chris Soules tells her what’s been happening.
A prosecutor, Andi gets to the bottom of it all. And she accuses Nick of being “salty” and causing drama in the house. You almost think she’s going to reward his poutiness with a rose.
But it’s worse. She rewards J.J. though he started the racism rumor. Being backhanded works on this show.
The other solo date is with Brian Osborne, the Pennsylvania basketball coach who was so cute the last time the had a date together, sinking a half court shot, and eventually, a half court make out session.
Their date is taken over by product placement, when they see a movie that had already been prominent in commercials, “100 Foot Journey.”
To hear Andi talk about it, it’s romantic and about cooking. So the rest of their date is devoted to their own French cooking, at which Brian is both no good and a poor companion. It goes so badly you expect Andi is going to hi-tail it out of there before they eat their frog’s legs.
She softens, though, when they ditch their dinner, to to a café and he grabs her and makes out. “Now that’s a man!” she says to the camera. He gets the rose for showing potential.
For the final roses, Andi decides she doesn’t want a final cocktail party. She’s made up her mind, though several guys have planned to corner her and plead their case.
She distributes roses to Marcus Grodd, Nick, Chris, Dylan Petitt and Cody which means two of the guys who have been in their own drama, Marquel and Andrew, are sent home, as is Patrick Jagodzinski, who complains that “she didn’t get to fully experience me.”
Andrew says he was the victim of bullying, and only then does he start seeming like a guy that should have been voted out. Only Marquel is really tearful at the ouster and he was crying when he heard someone called him names too.
Too early to start thinking about next season’s “Bachelor”? Marquel wouldn’t be a terrible choice.
So the eight remaining guys get to go to Venice next week, where they whoop and hollar again like Ugly Americans on a gondola. But then they also introduce an element that hasn’t been part of the dating reality TV world since “Meet My Folks” – the lie detector test.