It’s not unusual for comedians to come out and blast the writers at the TV Critics Association press tour. Frankly, we deserve it. But Robert Smigel’s long-running, cigar-chomping creation Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, promoting his new show that starts tonight, “The Jack and Triumph Show” (Comedy Central, 11:30 a.m.), did about as well as anybody last month. Thanks to transcribers, here’s his whole monologue:
What a room, huh? Never played such a hot room before. I’m sure you’re all in a great mood, just having eaten British food [from a BBC America lunch]. I was here earlier. You must be drained from the rapt attention you paid to ‘Mud, Sweat and Gears.’ Did a single person actually look up from their computer? Is anyone looking up now? Come on, I want to see focus. Heads up. Heads up everyone, please. Okay.
You know what? Heads down. Wow, I’m going to need to recover from that one. No, you guys are great. Lots of great people here. The great Alan Sepinwall. Yes. Used to be a New Jersey guy. Now he’s got his own column, ‘What’s Alan Watching?’ Not his weight. Oh, snap! It’s okay. Alan’s a friend. Alan’s good. He’s actually taking care of himself. He’s on a strict diet of Matt Weiner’s ass***. Wait. That one needs a rim shot.
It’s a joke! You all kiss Matt Weiner’s ass. No, I’m honored to be here at the TCA, the Triple Chin Association, apparently. Television critics! Come on, you sit on a couch. Interesting job. You sit on a couch, watching TV 10 hours a day. I hate to break it to you, that’s not a job. It’s a symptom of bipolar depressive disorder. The good news is your wives wouldn’t notice if you were out of work. Rim shots. I’ll try one more TV critic joke, and I’ll get out of here:
You’re a misunderstood breed. Many in this industry say you’re bitter nobodies who get paid to destroy careers, but that’s not fair. You also get free tote bags featuring the cast members of ‘Glee’ sent to you in the mail.