Tuxedo for tuxedo, Jimmy Kimmel’s eighth annual post-Oscars show was more assured and consistently funny than Seth MacFarlane’s mess of a ceremony that had already pushed Kimmel from 11:35 back to his old 12:05 a.m. after less than two months in the new timeslot. But it dragged after a while too. Here’s the rundown as we saw it:
Cold Open:
Kimmel knocks at the door of MacFarlane’s dressing room to congratulate him. He accepts the Champale but won’t let him in. Kimmel forces his way in only to find MacFarlane has become a hoarder. Not necessarily a convincing one; his junk consists of stuff ABC props could pull together quickly. Also: Taylor Lautner’s severed fingers as a good luck charm, and Lautner himself, scampering out from a hiding place and escaping.
It’s generally as in bad taste and unfunny as the Oscar humor this year, but maybe it’s just the stink of MacFarlane permeating the place.
Monologue:
“This show is to the Oscars what Ikea is to furniture — a little flimsy but it works.”
Actually this year, I’d flip the two around.
“Should a four hour awards show be allowed to give out awards for editing? I say no.”
“Ryan Seacrest took home the award for best animated short.”
“Every night you see young women go home with bald men, tonight is the only night they’re happy about it.”
That it’s the 85th Academy Awards is appropriate, he said, since 85 is about what most starlets weigh.
His one clip from the show itself is John Travolta giving that odd pronunciation of “Les Miserables,” as if it were Spanish.
But he also had a clip from an E! “Countdown to the Red Carpet” special in which a tiger trainer, there to answer questions about “Life of Pi” didn’t seem to have much control over the full-sized tiger he uncaged, to Ross Mathews’ horror.
Along these lines, he had an idea for a sequel, “Life of Psy,” featuring a pudgy Korean pop star stuck on a boat with a tiger and a boombox “that only plays one song, a very annoying song.” Then “Gangham Style” comes on and the tiger attacks, taking off his head.
LIe WItness News
This regular filmed feature, which allows passerby on Hollywood Boulevard to give their opinions about things they know nothing about, or in this case, something that hasn’t happened yet, give their reviews of the Oscars, even though the piece was taped on Friday.
Still, the people are undaunted: “To be honest, I love the way they revamped it this year,” one says.
What happened when the power went out?, an interviewer asks. “Oh my god, I couldn’t believe it,” a woman answers.
One man doesn’t hesitate naming his favorite part of the show: “Helen Hunt. The girl’s got it going on.”
And what of Suri Cruise’s acceptance speech? a man is asked. “It
went on a little long,” the guy says.
‘Movie: the Movie 2 V’ Trailer
The sequel to the popular star-studded post-Oscar action film trailer of last year is more of the same, because, as Kimmel puts it, “when you have a success in Hollywood, there’s only one thing you can do, cheapen it with a sequel.”
This one is about an onslaught of sexy vampires, sexy zombies, sexy werewolves and sexy leprechauns. Jessica Chastain reprises her role as a government operative sounding the warning. John Krasinski is a superhero type who instead of being a Batman is more of a Shrimp Guy. Oprah Winfrey is the president but won’t take Kimmel’s call. Bradley Cooper is a handsome inspirational teacher; Kerry Washington is the nerdy girl who becomes hot when she takes off her glasses. Chris Rock was the voice of the CGI gopher with the voice of a black guy, obviously written by a white person; Bruno Mars begins to sing a song to save the day, but is bitten by a vampire and becomes one himself. Salma Hayek is both a nurse and a patient in a role that’s intended as an Oscar bid.
Other stars appear if only for a second, from Jude Law, Rachel Weisz.
Faux foe Matt Damon is humiliated by a motion-capture directions. Amanda Seyfriend tries to outsex the advancing demons with her own sex-appeal, morphing her “Les Mis” style song into a breakdancing competition. Samuel L. Jackson is there right before the Jenga tower falls, disaster-movie style.
But the best part may have been Wolf Blitzer as himself saying “For all of you just joining us, we’re all going to die…tweet us your thoughts…”
Guests and Product Placement
Channing Tatum and Jamie Foxx came out as guests together for reasons unknown until they started plugging their movie, “White House Down,” which comes out in June, after a commercial break.
Otherwise the appearance was mostly about how all the women in the audience were screaming for Tatum because of his role in the male strip movie “Magic Mike.”
“I don’t remember much,” Tatum says of the Oscars. But he did mention his opening dance number. “I was just trying not to break Charlize Theron.”
Kimmel was a little off his game by then,not interjecting with his own questions and letting Foxx go on and on in his stories, though his tales of the parties he went to the night he won best actor Oscar were pretty good.
A third segment had Foxx on the piano, where a bottle of sponsor Crown Royal was prominent. He began crooning a song with the chorus, “I want to Channing all over my Tatum” that seemed to get a rise our of the crowd.
Some sort of lap dancing occurred during the last, long commercial break, but they could only talk about it and reprise that same song when they came back to close out the show.