For a certain kind of star whose phone has ceased to ring, there comes a point where the agent shrugs and says: “it’s the only offer we have.”
And thus we have a new season of competitors on “Dancing with the Stars.” The 17th (!) season premiere has its requisite touches of Disney stars, elder stars to elicit sympathy, hubba hubba girls, comics on the decline, reality stars you love to hate and NFL retirees. Some may be names you know, others who might ring a dim bell with some supplemental hints, but a few will only ultimately elicit a shrug, less famous than the professional dancer they’re paired with.
But who knows, with a lot of work, sweat, complaints, likely injuries and the kind of humiliation that broadcast TV can still provide, they may be on their way to middling mid-career mini-boosts that usually amount to hosting obscure shows on farflung cable channels.
Your new roster of “Dancing with the Stars” this fall features:
- Elizabeth Berkley, the “Saved by the Bell” girl who later bared herself in the terrible cult classic “Showgirls.” Partner: Valentin Chmerkovskiy.
- Corbin Bleu, the fourth tier lead of “High School Musical” and its sequel. Partner: Karina Smirnoff.
- Brant Daugherty, who played Noel on “Pretty Little Liars” and is also on “Army Wives.” Partner: Peta Murgatroyd.
- Bill Engvall, The “Blue Collar Comedy” touring comic and sometime sitcom star. Partner: Emma Slater.
- Valerie Harper, the former Rhoda Morgenstern, lately in the news for surviving a cancer scare at 74. Partner: Tristan MacManus
- Keyshawn Johnson, former NFL star turned ESPN analyst. Partner: Sharna Burgess.
- Christina Milian, the singer of “Love Doesn’t Cost a Thing” and lately “social media correspondent” for “The Voice.” Partner: Mark Ballas.
- Bill Nye, “The Science Guy” of children’s TV. A Sidwell Friends grad. Partner: newcomer Tyne Stecklein.
- Jack Osbourne, the sometimes troubled son of Ozzy who grew up in that odd MTV family reality show, now 27. Partner: Cheryl Burke.
- Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, the “Jersey Shore” star who won’t go away. For all her fist-pumping dancing on the shore, odds on favorite to leave first. Partner: newcomer Sasha Farber.
- Leah Remini, “King of Queens” costar who was fired from “The Talk” and famously quit Scientology earlier this year. Partner: Tony Dovolani.
- Amber Riley, Mercedes from “Glee.” Partner: Derek Hough.
Tom Bergeron returns to host with Brooke Burke-Charvet and the judging panel of Len Goodman, Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba all return when the the new season premieres Sept. 16 on ABC.