Billy Crystal’s first taste of being a comedian was making his parents laugh. There’s nothing unique about that. But, as he reminds us in his one man remembrance “Billy Crystal 700 Sundays” (HBO, 9 p.m.) his dad founded the groundbreaking Commodore jazz label and some of the genre’s biggest stars were guys who hung around the house. He saw his first movie, “Shane,” with Billie Holiday. It kind of blows the mind.
He’s got a lot to jam into his life history that he presents on stage, so he shortens his Yankee obsession, spends a lot of time on deaths (the title comes from the notion that he has about 700 Sundays to spend with his father). He stops just short of maudlin or mawkish, makes fun of uncles with impediments; and has a bit about how ugly Eleanor Roosevelt is.
By now, Crystal knows what’s funny and how to maximize it for an audience. I wish he weren’t operating so much in the “Ain’t I cute” mode that likely served him so well when he grew up. And can we edit a little bit? This thing lasts every minute of two hours with no break.
“Orphan Black” (BBC American, 9 p.m.) which was such a dazzling surprise in its first season, returns for its second. The Canadian drama in which Tatiana Maslany discovers many clones of herself (and does a remarkable job playing them all) is by now so complicated that there is, sadly, no way to drop into the show anew and figure out what is happening. As things begin again, things seem more rote with more cat-and-mouse chases, making it seem a little less special than it once was.
It’s accompanied by a new series “The Real History of Science Fiction” (BBC America, 10 p.m.), narrated by “Doctor Who” writer Mark Gatiss, which begins by exploring robots.
Whoopi Goldberg, Ving Rhames, Anika Noni Rose Tichina Arnold and Mekhi Phifer sar in the adaptation of the Terry McMillan novel, “A Day Late and a Dollar Short” (Lifetime, 8 p.m.) about a a mother trying to repair relations with her estranged husband and her adult children. Another woman with similar ambitions, played by Kristy Swanson, tries to join her twins when they go off to college in the TV movie “A Lesson in Romance” (Hallmark, 9 p.m.).
It’s a pretty good holiday tradition — and the second oldest movie that still gets shown on broadcast TV — the 1955 “The Ten Commandments” (ABC, 7 p.m.), the four hour epic with Charlton Heston. But if that seems short to you, the whole 10 hour miniseries of “The Bible” (History, 2 p.m.) gets a rerun.
For literally the tenth time this week, “Forrest Gump” (AMC, 8 p.m.).
The “600 Pound Man” (Discovery Fit & Health, 8 p.m.) has nothing on the “900 Pound Man” (Discovery Fit & Health). But they are both probably better off than the guy with the “132-pound Scrotum” (Discovery Fit & Health, 10 p.m.).
Royalty on reality shows range from “Timber Kings” (Discovery, 10 p.m.) to “BBQ Pitmasters” (Cooking Channel, 9 p.m.).
Add to the “Storage Wars” (A&E, 8 p.m.), the new “Tobacco Wars” (CMT, 10 p.m.), set in Kentucky.
Animated fare tonight includes “Tangled” (ABC Family, 8 p.m.) and “Puss in Boots” (FXX, 8 and 10 p.m.).
A 25 year old case is investigated on “48 Hours” (CBS, 10 p.m.).
Gene Tierney is featured on Turner Classic Movies with “Laura” (8 p.m.), “Where the Sidewalk Ends” (9:45 p.m.) and “The Iron Curtain” (1:30 p.m.). Later, the tone changes in “Hatchet for the Honeymoon” (TCM, 2 a.m.) and “The Terror” (TCM, 3:45 p.m.).
The NBA Playoffs begin with Brooklyn at Toronto (ESPN, 12:30 p.m.), Golden State at Clippers (ABC, 3:30 p.m.), Atlanta at Indiana (ESPN, 7 p.m.) and Memphis at Oklahoma City (ESPN, 9:30 p.m.). The Stanley Cup playoffs continue with Chicago at St. Louis (NBC, 3 p.m.), Columbis at Pittsburgh (NBC Sports, 7 p.m.) and Minnesota at Colorado (NBC Sports, 9:30 p.m.).
Baseball includes Houston at Oakland (MLB, 4 p.m.).
The Civil Wars and the Punch Brothers play a rerun of “Austin City Limits” (PBS, 9 p.m., check local listings).
Melissa McCarthy’s most recent hosting gig on “Saturday Night Live” (NBC, 11:30 p.m.), with Imagine Dragons, is rerun. Earlier, a one hour version of last week’s Seth Rogen episode with Ed Sheeran is on at 10 p.m.