The only thing worse than buying a mail-order bride online is being bilked by teenage girls who had set up the account. So the dude in “The Bride He Bought Online” (Lifetime, 8 p.m.) vows revenge. The Catfishing game gone stars Anne Winters, Travis Hammer, Lauren Gaw and Annalisa Cochrane. Sounds terrible.
“Hell on Wheels” (AMC, 10 p.m.) returns for its fifth and final season, with Bohannan trying to roust up a crew to cut through the Sierra Nevada mountains so the railroad can finally be complete.
“Cedar Cove” (Hallmark, 8 p.m.) also returns for a new season, its third, with a charismatic new district attorney in town.
Shark Week is over, or is it? We’ve got the new “Mega Shark vs. Kolossus” (Syfy, 9 p.m.), leading up to next week’s “Sharknado 3.” It’s preceded by “Roboshark” (Syfy, 7 p.m.) and followed by “Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark” (Syfy, 11 p.m.). And still swimming: “Jaws” (Sundance, 6 p.m.) and “Jaws 2” (Sundance, 9 p.m.).
Networks are either showing 13 year old movies — “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets” (ABC, 8 p.m.), burning off new episodes of canceled sitcoms — “The Millers” (CBS, 8 and 8:30 p.m.) — or showing same-week reruns of their other summer fare — “Beat the Champions” (Fox, 8 p.m.), “Running Wild with Bear Grylls” (NBC, 8 p.m.) and “Boom!” (Fox, 9 p.m.). Boom indeed.
Seems like the guys on “MythBusters” (Discovery, 9 p.m.) have tried to recreate the jimmied machine gun from the “Breaking Bad” finale before.
Did you hear the one about the 7-foot dog? He’s on “World’s Biggest Pets” (Animal Planet, 9 p.m.).
The drug syndicate gets a new member on “Power” (Starz, 9 p.m.).
Strange tries to drive himself crazy on “Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell” (BBC America, 10 p.m.). Which is why they call him Strange.
“Dr. Jeff: Rocky Mountain Vet” (Animal Planet, 10 p.m.) rides around, fixes animals and hums John Denver songs.
I’m not sure you’re aware Jim Belushi (“Life with Jim”) is on one of those celebrity house rehab shows: “Building Belushi” (DIY, 10 and 10:30 p.m.)
Jason’s heart has been blackened on “Atlantis” (BBC America, 9 p.m.) and that’s a hard spot to remove.
A grandmother lives a double life on “Tabloid” (Investigagion Discovery, 10 p.m.), hosted by Jerry Springer.
A third season starts for “Dog and Beth: On the Hunt” (CMT, 9 p.m.) and the first thing they are hunting for is a decent barber.
Turner Classic Films goes on the campaign trail tonight with “The Candidate” (8 p.m.), “The Last Hurrah” (10 p.m.) and “The Dark Horse” (12:15 a.m.). It later turns to horror with “Equinox” 9TCM, 2 a.m.) and “Bloody Birthday” (3:45 a.m.).
“The Maze Runner” (HBO, 8 p.m.) makes its premium cable debut, as does “Ouija” (Cinemax, 10 p.m.).
An animated double feature offers “The Incredibles” (ABC Family, 8 p.m.) and “Toy Story 3” (ABC Family, 10 p.m.).
I have strong affection to the film “Step Brothers” (Comedy Central, 6:30 and 8:45 p.m.).
Baseball includes Seattle at Yankees (MLB, 1 p.m.), Dodgers at Washington (Fox Sports 1, 4 p.m.), Cleveland at Cincinnati (Fox Sports 1, 7 p.m.) and Boston at Angels (MLB, 9 p.m.).
Third round play continues in the British Open (ESPN, 7 a.m.).
In the CONCACAF Gold Cup soccer quarterfinals, it’s U.S. vs. Cuba (Fox, 5 p.m.) and Haiti vs. Jamaica (Fox Sports 2, Univision, 8 p.m.).
The Pan American Games (ESPN2, 7 p.m.) continue in Toronto, with swimming, women’s basketball, boxing, volleyball, rhythmic gymnastics and soccer.
And the Tour de France (NBC Sports Network, 8 a.m.) reaches stage 14.
Here’s an odd NASCAR race: The Iowa Corn 300 (NBC Sports Network, 8 p.m.) from Newton.
Queens of the Stone Age play a rerun of “Austin City Limits” (PBS, 11 p.m., check local listings).
The Kevin Hart hosted “Saturday Night Live” (NBC, 11:30 p.m.) with Sia is rerun.