The way it opens, you don’t know if the new star-packed series “The Ranch” (Netflix, streaming) is a modern stab at the Western, a 21st century “Big Valley.” The tense family dynamics and a setting in a bar brings to mind Louis C.K.’s impressive online stab at at Beckett, “Horace and Pete.”
But no. Once the canned laughter kicks in, the artificial rhythms of setup-punchline mark this as Netflix’ attempt to do a bad network sitcom, albeit one that occasionally drops the F-bomb.
Ashton Kutcher stars as a football hopeful whose pro dreams have not come to pass because of his own lapses. He returns to the family ranch run run by his older brother Danny Masterson (Kutcher’s “70s Show” costar) and their dad, the indelible Sam Elliott.
Together they trade off the insults and below the belt jabs that pass for humor in Chuck Lorre sitcoms — “The Ranch” is from a couple of guys from “Two and a Half Men,” where Kutcher replaced Charlie Sheen in the final season. But here, he’s more the ne’er-do-well along the lines of Sheen.
Debra Winger is a surprise as the mom, who runs the bar. An early family picture of her in the opening credits is lifted from “Urban Cowboy.” But she’s clearly not adjusted to the staccato beat of the sitcom, possibly because none of the jokes are funny. It’s a miss.
Speaking of warped Westerns, Melanie Scrofano stars as “Wynona Earp” (Syfy, 10 p.m.) a new series based on the comic book, in which Wyatt Earp’s great-great-grandaughter roams the West to fight demons.
It’s not the oddest thing on Syfy tonight, though, where, inspired by the success of the truly bad (“Sharknado”), they’ve devised a horror movie “Dead 7” (Syfy, 8 p.m.), in which a group of has-been boy band members fight the zombie apocalypse. Nick Carter stars, came up with the story and co-produces. Alongside him are his fellow Backstreet Boys AJ McLean, Howie Dorough, Chris Kirkpatrick and the indefatigable Joey Fatone, along with members of O-Town and 98 Degrees. Plus: Jon Secada, Art Alexis, Debra Wilson and Nick’s wife Lauren Kitt-Carter. Sounds like you’ll be rooting for the zombies.
It costs $5 to watch a stream of the Radio City Music Hall tribute “The Music of David Bowie” (streaming on musicofdavidbowie.com) from New York with performances from Michael Stipe, the Pixies, Flaming Lips, Blondie, Laurie Anderson, Cyndi Lauper, Joseph Arthur, Mountain Goats, Bettye LaVette, Cat Power, Rickie Lee Jones, Jakob Dylan and Ann and Nancy Wilson.
The new series “What If We Get Married” (TLC, 9:30 p.m.) follows two couples who decide to skip courting and move from friendships to marriage.
Eliza Dushku joins the cast of “Banshee” (Cinemax, 10 p.m.), playing the part of an FBI profiler, as the show’s fourth and final season begins.
April Fool’s is probably a good day to premiere a new hidden camera show, “Walk the Prank” (Disney, 9 p.m.).
“Real Time with Bill Maher” (HBO, 10 p.m.) is a repeat from last week, with Cory Booker, Jerrod Carmichael and Jennifer Granholm.
Saving the world is on the agenda on “Sleepy Hollow” (Fox, 8 p.m.).
A third season starts for “Motive” (USA, 10 p.m.), with Det. Flynn returning from her self-imposed six month exile.
An express pass is on the line in Armenia on “The Amazing Race” (CBS, 8 p.m.).
“Gold Rush” (Discovery, 9 p.m.) pauses to remember John Schnabel on tonight’s episode.
A beauty regimen turns a young woman elderly in a hurry on “Grimm” (NBC, 9 p.m.).
“Hawaii Five-0” (CBS, 9 p.m.) cracks down on a slave trade on a fishing vessel.
The seven remaining contestants on “Hell’s Kitchen” (Fox, 9 p.m.) have to identify ice cream flavors in a blind test.
Last year’s “Ant-Man” (Starz, 9 p.m.) makes its premium cable premiere, starring Paul Rudd and Michael Douglas.
Judy Garland is star of the new month on Turner Classic Movies with a 34 film Friday night salute that begins with “Pigskin Parade” (8 p.m.), “Listen, Darling” (9:45 p.m.), “Love Finds Andy Hardy” (11:15 p.m.), “Babes in Arms” (1 a.m.), “Everybody Sing” (2:45 a.m.) and “Thoroughbreds Don’t Cry” (4:30 a.m.).
NBA action includes Cleveland at Atlanta (ESPN, 8 p.m.) and Boston at Golden State (ESPN, 10:30 p.m.).
Hockey has Minnesota at Detroit (NHL, 7:30 p.m.).
Some of the final spring baseball games have Milwaukee at Houston (MLB, 2 p.m.), Boston at Toronto (MLB, 7 p.m.) and Oakland at San Francisco (MLB, 10 p.m.).
Still awaiting Saturday’s final four, there is instead the College Basketball Invitational finals with Morehead State at Nevada (ESPNU, 9 p.m.).
Daytime Talk
Kelly & Michael: John Travolta, Gigi Hadid, John Bodega. The View: Christopher Meloni, Jack Hanna. The Talk: Sam Rockwell, Mickey Guyton, Jennifer Nettles. Ellen DeGeneres: Ashton Kutcher, Charles Kelley (rerun). Wendy Williams: Pamela Anderson (rerun). The Real: Debbie Allen, Chanda Walls (rerun). Meredith Vieira: Regis Philbin, Lauren Conrad (rerun).
Late Talk
Stephen Colbert: Steve Buscemi, Benjamin Walker, cast of “American Psycho.” Jimmy Kimmel: Harrison Ford, Elizabeth Olsen, Cam (rerun). Jimmy Fallon: Aaron Paul, Gov. Chris Christie, Nate Bargatze, Wendy Melvoin. Seth Meyers: Jennifer Garner, Thomas Middleditch, Melissa George, Matt Cameron (rerun). James Corden: Casey Affleck, Lucy Hale (rerun). Carson Daly: Drea De Matteo, Griz, Allie X (rerun). Tavis Smiley: Dov Charney.