Colbert Explains His Absence, Sort Of

Even before he let loose with his regular theme, Stephen Colbert spent a few minutes Monday debunking the rumors that had cropped up since his show’s sudden absence last week.

“As the hub around which the republic turns, I can understand why the machinery of this great nation ground to a halt last week when you were denied this,” he said, ¬†gesturing to his face. “Now I’m sure you felt the way I do when I’m in a room with no mirrors.”

He denied some of the wild speculation in the actual press speculated that the show had been cancelled (even while it was rerunning recent episodes in place of the new ones). He wasn’t in rehab (unless it was for Diet Coke) and he specifically refuted Joan Rivers’ suggestion that he was off having a nose job or getting his eyes done.

“I did not have my eyes done. That’s ridiculous. I had my ass done. The doctors cranked this thing so high and tight it can barely blink now,” he said. “Anyway, rumors quelled; movin’ on.”

Colbert never said explicitly that it was because his 92 year old mother had taken ill. But he did say: “One more thing: Eveidently, having 11 children makes you tough as nails. Confidential to a lovely lady,” he said, putting finger to his nose and nodding in salute.

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